A Heavy Burden To Bear
by Tobiko
Summary: Willow and Faith have a conversation about past and future actions when Faith returns. Set during Season 7. Oneshot


It's been weird with Faith back. Buffy is content with ignoring her, but sometimes I wonder about her. After the whole switching bodies thing Buffy hated her more than ever. I can understand Faith hate pretty well, I mean she did punch me in the face and threaten to kill me, plush she "deflowered" the first young love of my young life. And then she tried to kill him too. And of course the was the time that she humiliated the love of my life- only Tara's of the-the past—Kennedy is—

Anyway. What I'm trying to say is, I am a member of the We Hate Faith club, formerly the We Hate Cordy club which disbanded sometime after Xander started sucking her face—sorry, bitter here. I'm at least the secretary of the Hate Faith club. But Buff—

Faith is a Slayer. She's alone and she's confused. And the only person who can help her is Buffy. She's the only person who could possibly understand. Buffy wasn't a peach to Faith either. Granted, not accepting her into the Scooby Gang is lower on the scale than, well, attempted murder.

Slayer. It's not a word that's supposed to be used in the plural. That's why Buffy and Faith don't mesh probably. You'd think that being the only two they'd bond. Mostly they just try and kill each other.

Truthfully, we need all the help we can get. The First is killing off girls one by one. We need to stop it. We need strength. So when Faith just kinda fell into my lap after I helped Angel get his soul back, I accepted her with open arms. Or at least without a weapon in my hands. The ride back to Sunnydale was awkward to say the last. I drove, cuz it turns out fugitives don't have licenses and can't drive even though I had just done a massively power draining spell and she has Slayer stamina which I know for a _fact_ can keep a girl going even after she's fought a frigging hell god and beaten within an inch of her life. But I guess she was emotionally drained, walking through Angel's dreamspace and pulling him back from destruction.

We drove more than half of the way in silence. I was mostly thinking about how weird it had been to see Cordy again, after all this time. I'd always pictured her growing up to be a famous something. But she's a hero, like us. Because of us. How profound is that? We've changed people's lives. At least Buffy has.

Faith leaned her head against the passenger side window, staying as far away from me as she could. Her eyes were closed, but I knew she wasn't sleeping because her breathing never steadied. I kept looking at her sideways and she probably knew that. I just couldn't help it. I was terrified she'd try and kill me, steal the car and head to Mexico.

We were almost into town when the car a hundred yards ahead of us stopped for a split second, the passenger door was flung open and someone was pushed out. Then the car continued on its way. "Oh my Goddess!" I yelled and braked about fifty yards away. I unbuckled my seatbelt with fumbling fingers and hit the ground running.

I noticed the body was that of a young girl pretty quickly. My heart sank as instinct told me who she was. I mean, not her name or anything. Her possibility. She was a Potential.

I checked her pulse on her neck and my fingers came away wet with blood and melted flesh. Someone had burned her neck with some kind of symbol. I gagged, but tried to hold it in. How could someone do this to a little girl? I placed my hands over the stab wound to her stomach, the much more serious wound, and pressed, hoping to stop the blood. Blood seeped out from between my fingers and I flinched. I don't remember what I said in those moments, but I remember the words Faith utter from behind me as she stood watching me try and save the wounded girl. "I guess I'm back in Sunnydale," she commented wryly, looking around in morbid fascination.

"Faith!" I yelled, turning to glare at her. "Help me!"

Faith made a face at me but instead of saying something snappish she reached down, pushing me roughly out of the way, and scooped the girl up as if she were a doll. She trotted back toward the car and I followed.

She got into the back seat with the unconscious girl and continued to apply pressure to the wound. I hopped back into the driver's seat and immediately pressed the gas pedal, making my breaks screech in protest. I didn't care, I had to get to a hospital.

The road suddenly bloomed on either side as houses and stores began to become visible. There were two hospitals in Sunnydale and I know there locations by heart. I was going twenty miles over the speed limit and I was barreling through red lights. It was good that it was late or I'd probably be dead. Just another Sunnydale statistic.

Faith was out the door with the girl as soon as we pulled onto the street with the hospital. I put on my parking brake and followed in after, leaving my car in the middle of the street.

When I got into the building Faith and the wounded Potential were nowhere in sight.

I raced up to the reception desk and frantically waved my hands sporadically to try and catch the nurses' attention. The nurse finally looked up, popping her gum in boredom. It was other night in Sunnydale for her. Stab wounds and mysterious throat punctures.

"A-a girl just came in! She was stabbed. An older woman was carrying her. I need her room number. Now!!"

I was using my threatening voice, a voice I hated using. It reminded me of darker times, times when I'd killed, but I found it was quite effective. The nurse jumped in fear and rattled off that the girl was in the ER and doctors were attending to her. She had just arrived so she was in critical care and no one was allowed in. I gave her a deathly glare and she flinched, flicking up a finger and pointing me toward the right direction even though she wasn't supposed to.

I moved toward the ER door. I wasn't one of those desperate people who would just hover and be in the way. I could do something.

The ER room she was in looked almost exactly like the place they'd taken Buffy after she'd been shot. There was a large observation window that I could see the girl and doctors hovering over her. I shivered. The last time I'd been in a hospital my hair had been black and I could remove a bullet from a shoulder with a beckon from my finger.

I murmured a spell of healing and sent into the girl's body, seeking out internal damage and healing it as best I could. She was still in danger but I could see the monitors react slightly. I breathed in a sigh.

"Good thing you're a witch. She probably wouldn'ta made it," a voice said softly beside me. I jumped and scooted away, turning to face Faith with one hand slightly extended. Her face fell slightly at my fear, but her voice hardened as she said, "Why so jumpy Red? Think I'm gonna stick you?"

"I don't think that's far from a reasonable assumption," I mumbled, but I lowered my hand again.

Faith's face was stony as she stared at me. I shifted uneasily under her gaze. I noticed her jaw working, as if she wanted to say something, but she turned and walked a few feet away to stare in at the Potential.

She left soon after that. Buffy told me later that she ended up almost letting a vamp go and beating up Buffy and Spike in the process. But it was an accident. Faith had been gone a while.

The situation got even weirder for me last night.

She had been down in the basement, yet again talking to Spike. I'd been avoiding her since her arrival, but I just happened to be walking right by the basement door as she opened it. The door hit me hard and I almost fell. But a hand grabbed me just in time and steadied me. "Whoa. Sorry Red, didn't see you."

I mumbled something like a thanks and tried to skitter away. But she held me fast and stared at me with an unreadable expression. "Can I talk to you for a second Willow?"

She said my name so softly and carefully I was taken by surprise. She never called me my real name. That's probably why I agreed to listen to her.

I let her lead me into the dining room. Everyone was training outside with Buffy including Dawnie. Xander and Anya were doing who knows what. Andrew was probably drawing on his billboard. I sat down and Faith across from me, looking hard at the placemat in front of her. Anywhere but at me.

Finally she muttered, "Remember when I first came to SunnyD? You and Xander showed me around your school and told me stories. And I- I really liked you… You were nice to me. You guys accepted me. It was real nice at first…"

I was startled into silence. What was she doing?

Faith breathed in sharply, looking more awkward than I'd ever seen her. "You started hating me after a while, but only after I stole Buff and Xand for a little joyride…"

The hair on the back of my neck stood on end and I felt anger well dangerously in me. Faith looked up as she felt the air around us thicken with magick that was seeping unbidden through my pores. She paled and continued, "Hey Wil, calm down! This is foreign to me. I'm trying this new thing where I like… apologize to people. It's a step in this program thingie, Murderers Anonymous."

I let my hackles fall, but I was still furious. How _dare_ Faith do this? She had done too much damage. Did she want me to act like everything was OK? I hated, _hated_ her. And I didn't hate easily.

Faith, though, looked so lost that I almost felt sorry for her. I didn't, but almost.

Faith started kicking her legs against the table nervously. I flinched at every collision. She stopped when she noticed. "Look… I'msorryIthreatenedyourlifeandhurtyouandhurtTaraandhurtBuffyandhurtXanderIdidn'tthinkyouwerestillhungupontheguyImeanOz-" Faith breathed in. When she noticed my still impatient expression she paused, looking confused. She sighed deeply. "Willow. I'm sorry for everything I did to hurt you as wall as everything I did that hurt you without that being the intention. I was messed up, but that's no excuse for the way I treated you. I'm not askin' your forgiveness. I'd never expect you to give it. There aren't enough sorrys in the world."

I felt my chest tighten. This was beyond unfair. What was I supposed to do? I wanted to walk away from this table; completely turn my back on this woman. But it would be heartless, and I wasn't heartless. My heart was the problem.

We sat there in silence, both waiting for my response. I was praying that somehow my mouth would form some sort of words so I wouldn't have to. We sat there for a good five minutes, just staring at each other.

"I hate you," my mouth finally blurted out.

Faith just sat there, staring at me with a sad sort of understanding that was driving me _crazy_ because she didn't. She could never understand. " 'Course you do Red. Who wouldn't?"

"Xander doesn't," I said. It was true too. Xander didn't hate anyone, except for vampires in any shape (that included, even enhanced, his hatred of Angel and Spike). He was all heart.

"That boy couldn't hate anyone he thinks he's bonded with, even if they try 'nd kill him first," Faith confirmed, giving me a meaningful look. I blushed.

"I never tried to kill him," I protested. I hadn't. Of all my friends, all my family, he was the one I'd never laid a finger on up til the end, when he had engaged me. He had been the one to save me.

"But you tried to kill everyone else," Faith said, looking indignant. "I tried to kill Joyce, you tried to kill Dawn. I tried to kill Angel, you tried to kill _Giles_. Buffy, Buffy. I killed a professor, you, an inventor. So on and so on." Faith clutched her hand on the table and the wood warped under her strong grip. "How come you get forgiven and I don't? Little precious Willow's gotta be forgiven right? She's our _friend_."

"Stop!" I commanded, feeling control slipping from my grasp. After the recent slip when bringing Buffy back through a portal, my power had been struggling strongly against my free will, longing to break free. Anger only enhanced that struggle. I could almost feel the edges of my eyes darkening.

Faith sneered at me, apologies forgotten. "See Red? You're not so different from me. So _why_ do you get special treatment? They still love you and they _always_ will. I'm expendable. You're _Willow_. They will forgive you anything."

"They shouldn't!" I yelled, standing and knocking my chair over. Faith looked at me, startled but unsurprised. It didn't matter to me. My scalp was burning. I looked away from her and stormed out, all the way out of the house. I sat on the stoop feeling tears threaten to fall. I wiped them away impatiently.

I heard the door close behind me as someone followed me out. I ignored her, locking my eyes on the nearest object, the tree in Buffy's yard. There was silence and then Faith spoke. "Forgiveness… can be as heavy a burden to bear as the acts you've committed. The guilt… the feeling you don't deserve 'nyone's faith in ya, it's hard."

"Yeah," I said bitterly, "What would you know about it?"

"For your information Ms. High Horse, Angel forgave me a long time ago. I gave her some of the most excruciating physical pain he's ever felt, mental too cuz he drank human blood, Buff's blood. And he loves her to forever and back. But he forgave me. He taught me a lot. I don't deserve that."

I shivered, remembering Angel's state when he'd had the poison in him only curable with Slayer blood. He had been in agony. She'd done worse to him than she'd ever done me. He'd left Sunnydale for good after he'd had to drink Buffy's blood.

Faith sat down near me, close enough that I could feel her body heat in the cold air. And I didn't move away. I breathed in a quivering breath… "I killed a man. Tortured him and ripped his skin off. And I'm not even sure I don't think he deserved it. It's not even the thing I'm most sorry for. But they… especially Giles and Xand… forgave me instantly and still love me. How can a murderer deserve that? I'm a villain pretending to be a hero among true heroes…"

I was crying by now and in embarrassment I put my face in my hands and rested them on my knees. Sobs wracked my body wildly and the power inside me shook with me, searching for an escape route in my weakness.

A hand rested on my shoulder, but I didn't feel comfort in the touch. All I felt was rage. This wasn't any of Faith's business, so how had she gotten such truths out of me. I didn't talk about what had happened or how I felt about it, not even to Kennedy. No, scratch that. Not even my Xander. But the person hated most in the world, since Warren was now dead by my hand, could get it out of me?

Faith suddenly withdrew her hand and I heard a sharp intake of breath. I smiled despite myself. My magick had probably stung her. I didn't care. The magick could take over for a little while if it wanted. I need a break. I was just so tired…

Next thing I knew I was getting to my feet. Only it wasn't me doing it. It was the thing inside of me, breaking out in my defeat. My scalp burned as my roots turned black and black locks cascaded around my shoulders. A slight filter fell over my vision, turning everything a shade darker. I saw Faith watching me with annoyed disgust.

Then she slammed into me, sending us both tumbling off the porch and onto the grass. She slammed my head hard into the ground and I stared at her in dazed confusion. "Wha-" I started.

"Don't you _dare_ Willow. Don't be so _stupid_! How could you even _think_ of doing that?" Faith bellowed, bumping my head against the ground a few more times.

"It's hard…" I began, forcing my hair to return to normal. The pain eased and I sighed. My eyes would be harder to fix.

"Yeah it's hard," Faith screamed at me, eyes blazing. "It's painful too. All you wanna do after a day of struggling with whatevers inside you, ya just wanna quit! But you _can't_. If ya do, even more pain comes. Everyone I- everyone _you_ love is hurt. But ya keep trying cuz you won't let that happen again. Or _will_ you? You gonna give in Wil? Are you gonna be the cause of death for all those little girls? That Kennedy chick? Buff? Xand?"

"No!" I yelled back as my heart jumped at the sound of Xander's name. Never my Xander.

"Then what are you doing moron," Faith accused.

Anger flamed in me, but not anger at Faith this time. I was furious with myself. How could I do that? My hair changed completely back almost instantly and the filter left my eyes. The pulse and tingle of the magick always inside me all but disappeared in my fury. My will burned it away for now.

I looked at Faith as she glared down at me. She still had me pinned. For the first time I noticed her eyes were moist. A tear fell onto my cheek and I froze. This… was awkward.

She got off me and wiped away the tears, perching on her knees next to me. I sat up to look at her better. She was still crying. But why? Faith wasn't weak or anything…

I looked away. I didn't even consider moving closer to her, comforting her as she'd tried to comfort me. Words from a lifetime ago echoed in my mind. "… It's way too late. You've made your choice…" Faith had made a choice. And so had I.

There was silence for a while. Faith had stopped crying almost immediately after she'd started. We just sat there, looking up at the sky. The sun had already set, so the sky was moving through all the stages of blue before moving into black. Then I said, "We should probably go inside. No telling what the First is working on."

Faith nodded and we both stood. I turned toward the door but a hand grabbed my arm. I turned, face impassive, to look at Faith. Faith looked me straight in the eye. "These people? They were my first and last friends. I love 'em, but they won't accept that. They accept _you_. They love you to the stars and back. You take care of them, got it?"

I frowned. She was telling me to take care of _my_ loved ones? But… I'd probably remember this for a while. "Of course. I will even without your say so."

Faith stared at me for a second, and then let go. I turned away and began to ascend the stairs.

"You were too."

I paused, decided whether I'd acknowledged. I turned. "I was what Faith," I asked tiredly.

Faith gave me a crooked smile. "A friend." Her smile wobbled dangerously, so she put her face back with the usual frown.

I stood, staring down at her. My throat clenched and unclenched and I felt that long ago betrayal grab my heart. I really had liked Faith… maybe. No, of course I hadn't. I pushed the feeling away. "Sure," I muttered in response. I went to enter the house.

Faith and I had never been friends. She'd loved Buffy, boned Xander, and shot Angel. And yet I remembered a girl who had helped me with Oz in his werewolf form, who had chewed out a boy that had broken Buffy's heart. A girl I'd been jealous of and yet admired. Who had represented power and rebellion to me. Who wanted to be part of the game,

Of course she had been my friend. What kind of question is that?


End file.
